Phew...

So now that I know that I'm safe here, I've had a really hard day. I KNOW how often I fail. Like I can stand outside myself and see myself ranting or yelling or coming unglued, but can't seem to stop. I feel like I am 'justified' in what I'm saying. But I know I'm not being loving or present with my children. Mostly the oldest ones. Maybe I just am struggling with their coming of age? Seems like everything I've been reading and learning lately comes together, the power of positive thinking, or the results of negative thoughts, how our own pasts/ sets of neg thoughts affect our present, and we create our own issues by our words and thoughts, passing them on to our children. I see it so clearly but feel like I dont have enough time to sort the thoughts, and be in them, so that I can  figure out how to use them to better my actual day life. I feel like these days I start out well, I say positive Scripture affirmations, and till about lunch or mid day Im okay then I unravel. I am unsure if its cuz Im not spending enough time in conversation with the Father, or if my blood sugars goofed up at that point, or both.. or my window of stress tolerance just closes. 

N is  tiring. I love her with my whole heart and can honestly say I do not regret adopting her. But at the end of the day Im totally wiped. Like SO wiped. And its not fair to the other children. The other times its so hard is when I've told her for the 400th time ( Don't think I'm exaggerating)  NOT to go upstairs.. and up she goes, plywood, 40 dollar gates, chain link gates.. not one thing keeps her out or even slows her down. There are kittens up there and considering shes hurt one in the past we must keep them safe from her so its a FULL time job just to keep her downstairs. So when I finally bring her down AGAIN and even one more thing happens, I loose it. Not like I used to a long time ago, I am much more able to see my ugly self and control it. But I know its not right even the ranting that I do. I know I cannot control me on my own, the Holy Spirit is the only one, in me, who can do that. I just can't seem to get to the point of giving it totally over to Him.  

I feel so grateful though for the information I have, I read and read and read, and know it will sink in and Yahweh is allowing me to grow. He has patience with me that I am not giving to my children... thats the worst part. 

on another note:

I'm reading Connected Parenting, its okay, I'd not recommend it though really, I like her ideas on mirroring and what that looks like, but she moves on to after mirroring if they still don't do what you tell them, give them consequences. She also says things like pretend to mirror, pretend to be present. I realize we may need to do that sometimes, but as a whole if we are faking it our kids know and it won't help. 

I read and finished 'Biblical Parenting' by Crystal Lutton. It was amazing!!!!! Please read it if you can. or go to www.AOLFF.com and read most of her ideas there. It was small, an easy read, and simply states from a Biblical perspective the things I've been learning for so long. Not really the science behind it etc, but a good general overview, esp from a Christian perspective. I liked it because it answered my questions I had about certain 'rod' scriptures. It really did answer them. I think she addresses them on the website pretty good. ( for free lol) 

I also am reading 'The Healing Parent' slowly, its heavy with science but MAN its good. I love the science part, or else to me it feels lacking, however, now that I have a lot of the science in my head I can read other books and it makes more sense and connections. 

Reading "Dibbs in Search of Self" a story of a little boy who was considered mentally retarded and how he was 'healed' through play therapy. 

Reading a couple really good books on the power of positive thinking, positive affirmations, and waiting on one to come in the mail that combines these things with Scripture. I hope to post about that when I get them. I'm expecting to be pretty excited! 

I got 'Touching' too, about the power of touch for children/ humans, the science and the reality too... 

Thank you Dad!!

I am loving the fashion one too hehe.. he gives ideas for colors and combos I'd not have thought of, and what with my new self, who eats well, exercises, and is trying to remain/ become positive I am enjoying dressing nicely too I love thrift stores!! hehe

okay off to read.