Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Juli Alvarado

PRAISE YAHWEH for people who care about other's enough to leave their homes for a 3 day weekend to help other people grow and process. I wrote this elsewhere and thought I'd post it here too.. felt I said more things that made more sense but probably just too tired to notice I probably said it in the previous post lol

Being here with Eric Guy www.centerforvictory.com and the group is just an amazing experience. On 2 levels. I've been able to be less tense and nervous when it's my turn to talk. I've been able to remain present, and absorb more of the informational part, and also engage in the processing too. And Secondly, I've been able to just spend time, meals, and laughs with other moms who get me, we get one another. I can tell my story and instead of 'wow how do you do it,' or 'are you going to keep her?' they say yeah I know.. and share their story, OR they don't have to say anything! You can feel they just understand. Esp one lady here, Michelle. I've been with her at 4 trainings now, and shes so open and so smart shes an engineer, yet she never makes me feel less, or that she knows more ( although she absolutely does hehe) She remains present, knows just what to say, and also shares freely of her own story. I can completely be myself with her. I get from her what Dr Baer calls 'real love'. The kind that fills me up and allows me to pass it on to my children. Its rare and such a blessing. I normally struggle daily to give real love, unconditional love to my children and DH, and mom, and 'friends' and and and and. Yet I know I cannot give what I do not have. And I feel so blessed to 'get it' here. and this helps ( which is the main and end goal) to be able to accept that unconditonal love and acceptance my Heavenly Father extends to me, I just cannot humanly accept it fully at a gut, state level. So this is my process, and I'm SO blessed to be in it. I just realized so fully WHY I pursue going to these trainings, like, yeah they are all similar.. but each one fills me up a little more. Its no longer about the learning cognitively, its learning emotionally.

Im feeling very blessed this weekend. I was happy to come, scared to come for 2 reasons, one, N needs me home ( they all do I know) and 2 because I KNOW what we were to do here, and its not a lecture, its not 'learning' but 'doing' and 'being'. Its hard, I get afraid of holding other's back from their process, or being unable to find mine. But once again, Yahweh  lined it all up, why I worry is just dumb.. anyway. I have the absolute greatest group ever, there are 4 of us in each group and I have the 3 best women for me. I've made more progress at this retreat than ever, and its a mixture of my ability to breathe through the nerves, and also being aware of myself, where I am in the process daily, being with one person in my group whom Ive known for awhile now, through these retreats, and whom I love being with, and another lady in my group who has the SAME issues as I do! Hearing her pain is my pain. I can feel it with her, that helps her, and me too. Being able to be here in this place of absolute acceptance no matter what I say I am accepted and love. Its huge. I pursue it. I need it. I am very blessed. Dr Baer calls it real love, and that we cannot give what we do not have ( not a new concept I know) but I listened to part of his book 'real love in parenting' its amazing, on the way here, and the concepts of love, acceptance, Yahweh, emotions, power of touch, power of words, it all really comes together. This solidifies my belief I'm on the right track. So many things validate it. Including Scripture *gasp*. Sorry I'm being factious. ( I think that's spelled right?)

Anyway I'm a tad nervous about going into this place again, tomorrow, kinda been inthe 'just get it over with' attitude, but little by little breathing, and staying present and not allowing myself to do that. It will go fast, and now I'm feeling in my gut the deep pain of having to leave. Not that I don't want to go home, but I don't want to loose the containment, the acceptance. I konw HAVING it and going through this process will enable me to continue and be in a better place daily at home, but there is just something about BEING HERE in the now. And I have a hard time staying in it because I'm sad I'm leaving tomorrow. Okay so that gives you a peak at my neurosis. hehe

I've made many connections in the last few days about my reactions with my children. Its amazing and this really drove it home. Thank you Yahweh for blessing me with this weekend to process the things you've shown me.

okay I feel I could go on and on but I must go to sleep now. Well I'm going to start my new book... Bruce Lipton's book. Biology of Belief.. I'm unsure about it due to it's being on the 'new age' shelf at the bookstore.. (yes I am a strong conservative, BUT I also have an open mind) But I love science, and that's what this book is based on, so we'll see. 

kellie

Feeling icky tonight. We had a fairly good day, took the children up to the pond, but there were people there so we had to go next to the road. We had a picnic with tuna sandwiches.  ( I had a hummus and chicken pita) 

But lots of fighting with siblings. I know its my fault as they must not be getting what they need form me, so must fight and fuss and be unkind. But I really feel I'm at maximum capacity. I feel I do 'okay' but really not  much more could I handle. 

I guess my brain is filled up with plans, must travel 6000 miles in 3 weeks and I'm concerned with NadiYah's reaction to the van trip, in the van she tends to 'check out'. She will 'become' a dog or cat. And at home the only thing  that helps is to hold her and tell her shes mommy's little girl, 'no dog, no cat, mommy's baby'. So that should be fun traveling so much. I'm trying not to worry and focus on the positive and what I HOPE will happen, but its pretty hard. 

I have seen improvements and the opposite of that too, which I can't say are 'set backs' because maybe it means shes comfortable  enough to behave this way... on the one hand there is considerable less biting. And more asking, for example, to eat something in front of her, waiting for prayer, asking for food... and on the other, she's been doing a LOT more rocking, alone. For example she will often go to my large rocking chair and rock and rock and rock. I go to her and try and sit with her, to stop her in a nice way, 'mommy can rock with you, mommy can keep you safe', but she FREAKS out screams and does not want me with her. I don't know what to do. if I leave her to rock herself, it seems like reinforcing old patterns which only strengthen them, if I force myself upon her it seems I'd be causing fear and doing the opposite of what I am aiming, a feeling of comfort and safety. Do I push through the fear to get to the comfort part? After I 'force' myself to rock with her, hold her etc, she doesnt really fight me, hurting or pushing me, but kicking in the air and crying and crying. No tears, usually. If I wait long enough, remaining present and stuff, she will settle down and we can talk, and rock and sing, and bond... just not sure if I should force myself like that. 

I leave in 2 days to an attachment training in San Fran with Eric Guy ww.centerforvictory.com I am really looking forward to it, but scared too, leaving NadiYah... I know long term we need this information, but am a bit worried with this, and then the trip in 2 weeks from when I get back etc etc. However, there is a 'Brain Gym' training course, 24 hours in 3 days. I have been talking ( email) with the teacher and I am really excited. I am really really hoping to be able to go. She told me of other's she's worked with with conditions similar to my children's. There I'd learn the 26 exercises to the Brain Gym which helps the brain reorganize ( this is really paraphrasing obviously) and help people get out of 'stuck' places, getting out of reactionary states, is what the instructor told me. I NEED that myself! lol.. I figure I'd use them each morning as part of warm up for the day. I've heard wonderful things in relation to helping learning, and kids who reverse letters, memory improvement, kids stop biting nails without being told ( NEED this for N)

Anyway it would be next weekend, which I know would be bad to leave again for 3 days, but then again, I am with my children MOST of the time, and will be for 6 straight weeks on our vacation with lots of fun stuff for them. SO I think it'd be fine.. but we'll see. Praying if it's right it'll work out. I talked to a lady who runs a house with rooms to stay in near there, but I also found a cheepy hotel for 35.00 a night before tax... and its only  about 4 hours from my house, in Redding, CA. 

Im soo full lol I ate 2 full deserts for dinner with my lentil burger hehe.. I overate. I will work out in a bit when I am less full lol.

Prayer would be greatly appreciated for N's heart and my ability to remain calm and stable for her, for all of them!

Love

kellie

Its been so busy here, but thought I'd pop in while the chiln's are watching americas funnies videos on DVD and eating their sunday night ice cream and graham crackers. Even N is sitting and eating/ watching a little. 

I was able to get a microwave today at a thrift store! 10.00 yay! And it works lol I made my chocolate flax muffin I LOVE it! I've gotten it down to tasting like a chocolate cake, and only 125 calories its AWESOME. 

3 T egg whites

2 T ground flax

1 heaping T cocoa pwd.

1 heaping T splenda or ( I use) Organic zero

1/2 t baking powder

mix well with a fork in a coffee cup and put in a microwave for 1 min. if you have a tiny microwave with less power like my 'new' one, it took 1 min 30 sec.  I love this with lots of sliced strawberries... and at only 150 cal ( with strawberries) its the perfect desert

Nadi has been having good and bad days. She will get really dysregulated and I'll rock her while she cries because she realllly doesnt want to be rocked, she prefers to rock herself, alone. But once she calms down its really nice, and she becomes regulated and interactive in a ways she is not normally. She has been being her 'animal' self more lately, and it takes quite a bit to snap her out of it. Lots of rocking lately too. I hope its a sign of progress? I changed her necklace so we could see what the new one looks like in 7 weeks.

We leave for our trip in about 4 weeks I cannot wait to be there.. but a bit worried about N on the trip we usually have a blast although its long and hard, btu she hates the car.. so we'll see. I am doing my best to give her options for release and it seems to help. But taking her out of the home shes become acustomed to may throw her off a lot. But I plan to keep her with me most of the time, Rick is fixing my ergo.. or I will .. he got me the parts today. The man at Michaels gave him the strap from the shopping cart! how nice of them lol

I found a bean bag chair at a thrift store I am SO excited I wanted one because it needs to be in my 'sensory room' I'm setting up for N. At walmart they are 50 for a vinal cheepy one. I found a NICE poof chair that sells online for 240 for ..... drum roll...... 15 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im soo excited. its huge and comfy.. she doenst use it but thats besides the point lol. today I got a hammock for 5.00 she seems to like that!

She likes playdough too. Shes not been using her hand to bite and calm herself. I've noticed this more the last couple days. I've also bought a 'wig cap' that is like a pantyhose cap, and put it on her head to keep her from pulling her hair she doesnt like it all the time, but most time shes okay with it and shes been pulling at it less. even while sleeping. Last night midnight she slept and then got sorta woke up and just laid there and fell back to sleep without her thumb even!! 

 Im reading a loooot again.. my dad sent more books ( THANK YOU) and Ive been devouring them!!!!

This seems pretty random, sorry... Im off to San Fran next weekend for an attachment training I cannot WAIT.. I like Eric Guy ( centerforvictory.com)  and I have soo much to learn... then  off to GA in 4 weeks. WOW... lots to prepare for!! Mostly my N girl and my food plan lol.  Rick bought me 2 whole bags of Organic Zero today. wow cool! I use it for my muffins and stuff. 

I also invented some low gl and lowest cal granola I could make... and eat it with fruit and greek yogurt every morning I just LOVE it.. so working on things I can bring with me and keep me on track... 

well better go get littles off to bed... 

ps Prayers would be appreciated, I'm praying about, and working toward nursing N I think it would help bonding, and calming her nerves...  

I intended to post this last night.. I am so excited, but today works better because I can post follow up too!

Last night Nadi went right up to bed, walked up the stairs with me and the boys, we put the little boys to bed together, ( easier and faster) then went to our room to bed down. Usually there is a bit of a fuss, esp. around the diaper change. No fuss, but, it was a smoother transition for her, usually I dont give her enough time I think maybe. Anyway, after we had our milk, and read our book 2 times, as usual, and sang baa baa black sheep a few times ( her new favorite)  I told her it was time to close our eyes and sleep. Normally she will wiggle and move a lot, and q few times of popping up and talking. Well last night she tried a few times, I kept saying, lets close our eyes and go to sleep. I was having some severe intestinal pain and it showed on my face, she reached up and said 'sorry mama', and put her hand on my face, the other hand on my arm, and then continuted to maintain good, solid eye contact for a full 5 min. at least, she started to fall asleep this way! But finally she yawned and sucked her thumb and fell asleep but not without looking up at my eyes and smiling a few times first. I was in  shock/ awe. What a blessing!!! Well she normally sleeps 12 hours straight through, last night twice she woke up a bit fussy, first time I wasnt in the room , second I was and she was like MOMMY! And reached for me and fell asleep with my arms around her. 

So this morning she wakes up earlier and calmer. She plays with her dolly and kisses her. She comes into the bathroom with me with no fit ( this is her normal morning, even though from day one I bring her with me into the bathroom to get ready, she still, until today, throws a fit because she'd rather go play) and has asked me to pick her up, she wraps her arms around me and kisses me. She is affectinate and calm. Im amazed. We have had calmer days before, but this is different so far. Also most of our days compared to day one is 80% calmer but this day is like 100%. ( and that 20% is noticeable lol) 

In addition, and maybe unrelated, she took her diaper off, and peed on the toilet, which is not new, she's done that a lot but then the rest of the day she either makes a mess ( if I leave the diaper off) or I just put a diaper on and she uses it. No more mention of the toilet. Today she was in the bathroom an hour or so after we got downstairs and I went to see what she was doing, and she had taken her outfit down ( one piece outfit) and gone POOP on the toilet ALL BY HER SELF!!!!!!!!!! whoo hoo

Heres to love

kellie

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. ~ Mahatma Ghandi ...something to think about

someone quoted this on Facebook today. It really really is true. And sad in most instances. Myself included.

A few random ideas and thoughts

www.hillbillyhousewife.com provided me with my fix for a wendy's frosty, which I turned into a twisted coffee toffee frosty, made with coffee and toffee chips. MAN it was good at 1/4 the calories, but still WAY more sugar than my body is used to and Im really not feeling well now! but eaten in moderation and with a protein meal I know it would have been better. It was super super yummy I figured it would just 'do' in place of a 'real' one, but it was better!

I wish I could attend Heather Forbes training in Aug, with Dr Federici, www.aweekendofsolutions.com but I cannot as we will be in WI at the time.. but it looks WONDERFUL. I want Dr Federici's book now hehe. 

We went to the park today, and yesterday too.. managed to remain poop free today! Yesterday was a hoot, N went behind a tree and when I went to see what she was up to she had found fresh poop ( not her own) and rubbed it all over herself, her clothing, and MY dog! I stayed fairly regulated though and cleaned her up. Im thinking of some kind of visual containment.. Im thinking like heavy rubber balls ( with flat bottoms?)  or something, with flags stuck in them, then placed around the area I want her to stay in... what do ya'll think? I think this would help not only her have clear boundaries for my sake, but also for her self, maybe it would help her feel safer, and less scattered? But I haven't figured out what to make the balls out of yet.  I think this would help on vacation too, in strange places. thoughts?

I was happy today, N saw 2 boys at the park, and asked me, 'Strangers?" I said yes! I dont think she knows what strangers means, but at least she's getting the idea that they are not our family, or someone to run to.. and she didn't!!  

I know she needs more time with me physically, but doesn't really WANT to be held all the time, or cuddled, she's a busy 4 year old. So I'm trying to figure that out, how to give her what she NEEDS without making her MAD, and thereby missing the point of producing calmness... I know there was more I wanted to run out here on my blog I keep thinking of it and it helps to journal it and kinda help it become real, but its like Im having a hard time finding time to do it, and when I have time I'd rather STOP THINKING! hehe.. but its a process!

More later, maybe :-)

Kellie

We had a good day. Hung out, stayed regulated, Nadi had fun playing with my newest idea.. trays with shaving cream on them. What FUN stuff. She played for a long time, J and Z did too.. great sensory integration stuff. I then made playdough and she really loved that, most of the children did! N really took to it though and squeezed and got some big emotions out on the dough it was great! Then I took 2 of the girls who wanted to go, to the service that a Reno church has on Sunday nights called Living Stones. It is amazing.

Another site I want to recommend is www.gentlechristianmothers.com 

I am super excited.. I will be able to attend Eric Guy's level one training on attachment in 2+ weeks. I didnt know he was going to be in the 'area' until another BCLC mom told me, so Im hoping to see her there.. if anyone is interested the information is on www.centerforvictory.com its a 2 day training in San Fransisco. Its at the Courtyard Hotel which Im excited about because its the very same one Rick and I stayed at last year when we attended the BCI certified instructors training in San Fran. The first time we met Eric. So I know how to get there and that its a NICE hotel, and not too pricey actually I'll get it for only 10.00 more than a motel 6. SO worth it and to be in the same place as the training is always nice. And its walking distance to restaurants.  Im so excited to be exposed to the information again, and just learn learn learn. Each time I learn more I feel I become more able to stay regulated. I want to take a few online/ telephone classes asap. 

I want to again recommend www.aolff.com and her book,'Biblical Parenting' I wish with all my heart I could buy about 5 copies.. maybe I can someday soon. I want one for my sis, for another friend, and a few to keep handy to loan out.  I also love the website I mentioned in a previous post get off your butt parenting. the link on the right hand side GOYBP is a good article about what we CAN do instead! 

I did exercise today, only 20 min on the trampoline though. Had to have my little ones sitting in chairs they were calm though, it wasnt a punishment, just a place t stay until mommy was done.. prior to that we were melting down, and pushing and shoving. Overwhelm is something N deals with constantly. I am really praising Yahweh for His GRACE ( as we should extend to our children) of allowing me to see my children's behavior in a different light. Not as behavior, not as little 'suckers' ( a quote from a 'christian' parenting book I recently read/ heard on a radio program) or manipulative brats trying to get me, but rather as a communication of a need, an unmet need. I am responsible to meet those needs. So I keep trying. I've had some ideas over the past few days I hope to implement soon I'll post when I can sort my thoughts enough to do so. 

Our trip East's plans changed a bit we are going to travel the northern route to GA rather than southern as thought, Rick thinks it will be safer and I think its more 'known' so less stressful for me. So this way we can stop at our place in MO and get our life jackets, I have no idea why we left them there! lol

Okay off to bed.. 

May we all rest in His MIGHTY hands, we can trust that no matter what is happening from screaming dysregulated children, to lack of money, HE has our best interests at heart... I will choose to Trust Him. I will choose to Trust Him...

kellie

Just gotta pop on real quick and post a fabulous site I found!!

www.goybparenting.com ( get off your butt parenting lol)  Its amazing!!

having an elderly couple I've never met over for dinner, thanks to my 12 year old son. 

Kellie

Phew...

So now that I know that I'm safe here, I've had a really hard day. I KNOW how often I fail. Like I can stand outside myself and see myself ranting or yelling or coming unglued, but can't seem to stop. I feel like I am 'justified' in what I'm saying. But I know I'm not being loving or present with my children. Mostly the oldest ones. Maybe I just am struggling with their coming of age? Seems like everything I've been reading and learning lately comes together, the power of positive thinking, or the results of negative thoughts, how our own pasts/ sets of neg thoughts affect our present, and we create our own issues by our words and thoughts, passing them on to our children. I see it so clearly but feel like I dont have enough time to sort the thoughts, and be in them, so that I can  figure out how to use them to better my actual day life. I feel like these days I start out well, I say positive Scripture affirmations, and till about lunch or mid day Im okay then I unravel. I am unsure if its cuz Im not spending enough time in conversation with the Father, or if my blood sugars goofed up at that point, or both.. or my window of stress tolerance just closes. 

N is  tiring. I love her with my whole heart and can honestly say I do not regret adopting her. But at the end of the day Im totally wiped. Like SO wiped. And its not fair to the other children. The other times its so hard is when I've told her for the 400th time ( Don't think I'm exaggerating)  NOT to go upstairs.. and up she goes, plywood, 40 dollar gates, chain link gates.. not one thing keeps her out or even slows her down. There are kittens up there and considering shes hurt one in the past we must keep them safe from her so its a FULL time job just to keep her downstairs. So when I finally bring her down AGAIN and even one more thing happens, I loose it. Not like I used to a long time ago, I am much more able to see my ugly self and control it. But I know its not right even the ranting that I do. I know I cannot control me on my own, the Holy Spirit is the only one, in me, who can do that. I just can't seem to get to the point of giving it totally over to Him.  

I feel so grateful though for the information I have, I read and read and read, and know it will sink in and Yahweh is allowing me to grow. He has patience with me that I am not giving to my children... thats the worst part. 

on another note:

I'm reading Connected Parenting, its okay, I'd not recommend it though really, I like her ideas on mirroring and what that looks like, but she moves on to after mirroring if they still don't do what you tell them, give them consequences. She also says things like pretend to mirror, pretend to be present. I realize we may need to do that sometimes, but as a whole if we are faking it our kids know and it won't help. 

I read and finished 'Biblical Parenting' by Crystal Lutton. It was amazing!!!!! Please read it if you can. or go to www.AOLFF.com and read most of her ideas there. It was small, an easy read, and simply states from a Biblical perspective the things I've been learning for so long. Not really the science behind it etc, but a good general overview, esp from a Christian perspective. I liked it because it answered my questions I had about certain 'rod' scriptures. It really did answer them. I think she addresses them on the website pretty good. ( for free lol) 

I also am reading 'The Healing Parent' slowly, its heavy with science but MAN its good. I love the science part, or else to me it feels lacking, however, now that I have a lot of the science in my head I can read other books and it makes more sense and connections. 

Reading "Dibbs in Search of Self" a story of a little boy who was considered mentally retarded and how he was 'healed' through play therapy. 

Reading a couple really good books on the power of positive thinking, positive affirmations, and waiting on one to come in the mail that combines these things with Scripture. I hope to post about that when I get them. I'm expecting to be pretty excited! 

I got 'Touching' too, about the power of touch for children/ humans, the science and the reality too... 

Thank you Dad!!

I am loving the fashion one too hehe.. he gives ideas for colors and combos I'd not have thought of, and what with my new self, who eats well, exercises, and is trying to remain/ become positive I am enjoying dressing nicely too I love thrift stores!! hehe

okay off to read. 

New one again

Due to some technical and personal reasons, I have moved away from Xanga. I will begin here. It will take a bit to learn blogspot instead of xanga, I was with xanga for 4 years! Sadly most of that is all gone. 

Today I took the children to the park, enjoying warm weather in the shade of a tiny desert tree. I watched the children playing and it was nice. I read like 2 whole pages of a book too! 

Okay, its a lame post but I gotta run, and gotta start somewhere!

Kellie