Im feeling very blessed this weekend. I was happy to come, scared to come for 2 reasons, one, N needs me home ( they all do I know) and 2 because I KNOW what we were to do here, and its not a lecture, its not 'learning' but 'doing' and 'being'. Its hard, I get afraid of holding other's back from their process, or being unable to find mine. But once again, Yahweh  lined it all up, why I worry is just dumb.. anyway. I have the absolute greatest group ever, there are 4 of us in each group and I have the 3 best women for me. I've made more progress at this retreat than ever, and its a mixture of my ability to breathe through the nerves, and also being aware of myself, where I am in the process daily, being with one person in my group whom Ive known for awhile now, through these retreats, and whom I love being with, and another lady in my group who has the SAME issues as I do! Hearing her pain is my pain. I can feel it with her, that helps her, and me too. Being able to be here in this place of absolute acceptance no matter what I say I am accepted and love. Its huge. I pursue it. I need it. I am very blessed. Dr Baer calls it real love, and that we cannot give what we do not have ( not a new concept I know) but I listened to part of his book 'real love in parenting' its amazing, on the way here, and the concepts of love, acceptance, Yahweh, emotions, power of touch, power of words, it all really comes together. This solidifies my belief I'm on the right track. So many things validate it. Including Scripture *gasp*. Sorry I'm being factious. ( I think that's spelled right?)

Anyway I'm a tad nervous about going into this place again, tomorrow, kinda been inthe 'just get it over with' attitude, but little by little breathing, and staying present and not allowing myself to do that. It will go fast, and now I'm feeling in my gut the deep pain of having to leave. Not that I don't want to go home, but I don't want to loose the containment, the acceptance. I konw HAVING it and going through this process will enable me to continue and be in a better place daily at home, but there is just something about BEING HERE in the now. And I have a hard time staying in it because I'm sad I'm leaving tomorrow. Okay so that gives you a peak at my neurosis. hehe

I've made many connections in the last few days about my reactions with my children. Its amazing and this really drove it home. Thank you Yahweh for blessing me with this weekend to process the things you've shown me.

okay I feel I could go on and on but I must go to sleep now. Well I'm going to start my new book... Bruce Lipton's book. Biology of Belief.. I'm unsure about it due to it's being on the 'new age' shelf at the bookstore.. (yes I am a strong conservative, BUT I also have an open mind) But I love science, and that's what this book is based on, so we'll see. 

kellie