Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Juli Alvarado

PRAISE YAHWEH for people who care about other's enough to leave their homes for a 3 day weekend to help other people grow and process. I wrote this elsewhere and thought I'd post it here too.. felt I said more things that made more sense but probably just too tired to notice I probably said it in the previous post lol

Being here with Eric Guy www.centerforvictory.com and the group is just an amazing experience. On 2 levels. I've been able to be less tense and nervous when it's my turn to talk. I've been able to remain present, and absorb more of the informational part, and also engage in the processing too. And Secondly, I've been able to just spend time, meals, and laughs with other moms who get me, we get one another. I can tell my story and instead of 'wow how do you do it,' or 'are you going to keep her?' they say yeah I know.. and share their story, OR they don't have to say anything! You can feel they just understand. Esp one lady here, Michelle. I've been with her at 4 trainings now, and shes so open and so smart shes an engineer, yet she never makes me feel less, or that she knows more ( although she absolutely does hehe) She remains present, knows just what to say, and also shares freely of her own story. I can completely be myself with her. I get from her what Dr Baer calls 'real love'. The kind that fills me up and allows me to pass it on to my children. Its rare and such a blessing. I normally struggle daily to give real love, unconditional love to my children and DH, and mom, and 'friends' and and and and. Yet I know I cannot give what I do not have. And I feel so blessed to 'get it' here. and this helps ( which is the main and end goal) to be able to accept that unconditonal love and acceptance my Heavenly Father extends to me, I just cannot humanly accept it fully at a gut, state level. So this is my process, and I'm SO blessed to be in it. I just realized so fully WHY I pursue going to these trainings, like, yeah they are all similar.. but each one fills me up a little more. Its no longer about the learning cognitively, its learning emotionally.

Im feeling very blessed this weekend. I was happy to come, scared to come for 2 reasons, one, N needs me home ( they all do I know) and 2 because I KNOW what we were to do here, and its not a lecture, its not 'learning' but 'doing' and 'being'. Its hard, I get afraid of holding other's back from their process, or being unable to find mine. But once again, Yahweh  lined it all up, why I worry is just dumb.. anyway. I have the absolute greatest group ever, there are 4 of us in each group and I have the 3 best women for me. I've made more progress at this retreat than ever, and its a mixture of my ability to breathe through the nerves, and also being aware of myself, where I am in the process daily, being with one person in my group whom Ive known for awhile now, through these retreats, and whom I love being with, and another lady in my group who has the SAME issues as I do! Hearing her pain is my pain. I can feel it with her, that helps her, and me too. Being able to be here in this place of absolute acceptance no matter what I say I am accepted and love. Its huge. I pursue it. I need it. I am very blessed. Dr Baer calls it real love, and that we cannot give what we do not have ( not a new concept I know) but I listened to part of his book 'real love in parenting' its amazing, on the way here, and the concepts of love, acceptance, Yahweh, emotions, power of touch, power of words, it all really comes together. This solidifies my belief I'm on the right track. So many things validate it. Including Scripture *gasp*. Sorry I'm being factious. ( I think that's spelled right?)

Anyway I'm a tad nervous about going into this place again, tomorrow, kinda been inthe 'just get it over with' attitude, but little by little breathing, and staying present and not allowing myself to do that. It will go fast, and now I'm feeling in my gut the deep pain of having to leave. Not that I don't want to go home, but I don't want to loose the containment, the acceptance. I konw HAVING it and going through this process will enable me to continue and be in a better place daily at home, but there is just something about BEING HERE in the now. And I have a hard time staying in it because I'm sad I'm leaving tomorrow. Okay so that gives you a peak at my neurosis. hehe

I've made many connections in the last few days about my reactions with my children. Its amazing and this really drove it home. Thank you Yahweh for blessing me with this weekend to process the things you've shown me.

okay I feel I could go on and on but I must go to sleep now. Well I'm going to start my new book... Bruce Lipton's book. Biology of Belief.. I'm unsure about it due to it's being on the 'new age' shelf at the bookstore.. (yes I am a strong conservative, BUT I also have an open mind) But I love science, and that's what this book is based on, so we'll see. 

kellie

Feeling icky tonight. We had a fairly good day, took the children up to the pond, but there were people there so we had to go next to the road. We had a picnic with tuna sandwiches.  ( I had a hummus and chicken pita) 

But lots of fighting with siblings. I know its my fault as they must not be getting what they need form me, so must fight and fuss and be unkind. But I really feel I'm at maximum capacity. I feel I do 'okay' but really not  much more could I handle. 

I guess my brain is filled up with plans, must travel 6000 miles in 3 weeks and I'm concerned with NadiYah's reaction to the van trip, in the van she tends to 'check out'. She will 'become' a dog or cat. And at home the only thing  that helps is to hold her and tell her shes mommy's little girl, 'no dog, no cat, mommy's baby'. So that should be fun traveling so much. I'm trying not to worry and focus on the positive and what I HOPE will happen, but its pretty hard. 

I have seen improvements and the opposite of that too, which I can't say are 'set backs' because maybe it means shes comfortable  enough to behave this way... on the one hand there is considerable less biting. And more asking, for example, to eat something in front of her, waiting for prayer, asking for food... and on the other, she's been doing a LOT more rocking, alone. For example she will often go to my large rocking chair and rock and rock and rock. I go to her and try and sit with her, to stop her in a nice way, 'mommy can rock with you, mommy can keep you safe', but she FREAKS out screams and does not want me with her. I don't know what to do. if I leave her to rock herself, it seems like reinforcing old patterns which only strengthen them, if I force myself upon her it seems I'd be causing fear and doing the opposite of what I am aiming, a feeling of comfort and safety. Do I push through the fear to get to the comfort part? After I 'force' myself to rock with her, hold her etc, she doesnt really fight me, hurting or pushing me, but kicking in the air and crying and crying. No tears, usually. If I wait long enough, remaining present and stuff, she will settle down and we can talk, and rock and sing, and bond... just not sure if I should force myself like that. 

I leave in 2 days to an attachment training in San Fran with Eric Guy ww.centerforvictory.com I am really looking forward to it, but scared too, leaving NadiYah... I know long term we need this information, but am a bit worried with this, and then the trip in 2 weeks from when I get back etc etc. However, there is a 'Brain Gym' training course, 24 hours in 3 days. I have been talking ( email) with the teacher and I am really excited. I am really really hoping to be able to go. She told me of other's she's worked with with conditions similar to my children's. There I'd learn the 26 exercises to the Brain Gym which helps the brain reorganize ( this is really paraphrasing obviously) and help people get out of 'stuck' places, getting out of reactionary states, is what the instructor told me. I NEED that myself! lol.. I figure I'd use them each morning as part of warm up for the day. I've heard wonderful things in relation to helping learning, and kids who reverse letters, memory improvement, kids stop biting nails without being told ( NEED this for N)

Anyway it would be next weekend, which I know would be bad to leave again for 3 days, but then again, I am with my children MOST of the time, and will be for 6 straight weeks on our vacation with lots of fun stuff for them. SO I think it'd be fine.. but we'll see. Praying if it's right it'll work out. I talked to a lady who runs a house with rooms to stay in near there, but I also found a cheepy hotel for 35.00 a night before tax... and its only  about 4 hours from my house, in Redding, CA. 

Im soo full lol I ate 2 full deserts for dinner with my lentil burger hehe.. I overate. I will work out in a bit when I am less full lol.

Prayer would be greatly appreciated for N's heart and my ability to remain calm and stable for her, for all of them!

Love

kellie

Its been so busy here, but thought I'd pop in while the chiln's are watching americas funnies videos on DVD and eating their sunday night ice cream and graham crackers. Even N is sitting and eating/ watching a little. 

I was able to get a microwave today at a thrift store! 10.00 yay! And it works lol I made my chocolate flax muffin I LOVE it! I've gotten it down to tasting like a chocolate cake, and only 125 calories its AWESOME. 

3 T egg whites

2 T ground flax

1 heaping T cocoa pwd.

1 heaping T splenda or ( I use) Organic zero

1/2 t baking powder

mix well with a fork in a coffee cup and put in a microwave for 1 min. if you have a tiny microwave with less power like my 'new' one, it took 1 min 30 sec.  I love this with lots of sliced strawberries... and at only 150 cal ( with strawberries) its the perfect desert

Nadi has been having good and bad days. She will get really dysregulated and I'll rock her while she cries because she realllly doesnt want to be rocked, she prefers to rock herself, alone. But once she calms down its really nice, and she becomes regulated and interactive in a ways she is not normally. She has been being her 'animal' self more lately, and it takes quite a bit to snap her out of it. Lots of rocking lately too. I hope its a sign of progress? I changed her necklace so we could see what the new one looks like in 7 weeks.

We leave for our trip in about 4 weeks I cannot wait to be there.. but a bit worried about N on the trip we usually have a blast although its long and hard, btu she hates the car.. so we'll see. I am doing my best to give her options for release and it seems to help. But taking her out of the home shes become acustomed to may throw her off a lot. But I plan to keep her with me most of the time, Rick is fixing my ergo.. or I will .. he got me the parts today. The man at Michaels gave him the strap from the shopping cart! how nice of them lol

I found a bean bag chair at a thrift store I am SO excited I wanted one because it needs to be in my 'sensory room' I'm setting up for N. At walmart they are 50 for a vinal cheepy one. I found a NICE poof chair that sells online for 240 for ..... drum roll...... 15 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im soo excited. its huge and comfy.. she doenst use it but thats besides the point lol. today I got a hammock for 5.00 she seems to like that!

She likes playdough too. Shes not been using her hand to bite and calm herself. I've noticed this more the last couple days. I've also bought a 'wig cap' that is like a pantyhose cap, and put it on her head to keep her from pulling her hair she doesnt like it all the time, but most time shes okay with it and shes been pulling at it less. even while sleeping. Last night midnight she slept and then got sorta woke up and just laid there and fell back to sleep without her thumb even!! 

 Im reading a loooot again.. my dad sent more books ( THANK YOU) and Ive been devouring them!!!!

This seems pretty random, sorry... Im off to San Fran next weekend for an attachment training I cannot WAIT.. I like Eric Guy ( centerforvictory.com)  and I have soo much to learn... then  off to GA in 4 weeks. WOW... lots to prepare for!! Mostly my N girl and my food plan lol.  Rick bought me 2 whole bags of Organic Zero today. wow cool! I use it for my muffins and stuff. 

I also invented some low gl and lowest cal granola I could make... and eat it with fruit and greek yogurt every morning I just LOVE it.. so working on things I can bring with me and keep me on track... 

well better go get littles off to bed... 

ps Prayers would be appreciated, I'm praying about, and working toward nursing N I think it would help bonding, and calming her nerves...