Feeling icky tonight. We had a fairly good day, took the children up to the pond, but there were people there so we had to go next to the road. We had a picnic with tuna sandwiches.  ( I had a hummus and chicken pita) 

But lots of fighting with siblings. I know its my fault as they must not be getting what they need form me, so must fight and fuss and be unkind. But I really feel I'm at maximum capacity. I feel I do 'okay' but really not  much more could I handle. 

I guess my brain is filled up with plans, must travel 6000 miles in 3 weeks and I'm concerned with NadiYah's reaction to the van trip, in the van she tends to 'check out'. She will 'become' a dog or cat. And at home the only thing  that helps is to hold her and tell her shes mommy's little girl, 'no dog, no cat, mommy's baby'. So that should be fun traveling so much. I'm trying not to worry and focus on the positive and what I HOPE will happen, but its pretty hard. 

I have seen improvements and the opposite of that too, which I can't say are 'set backs' because maybe it means shes comfortable  enough to behave this way... on the one hand there is considerable less biting. And more asking, for example, to eat something in front of her, waiting for prayer, asking for food... and on the other, she's been doing a LOT more rocking, alone. For example she will often go to my large rocking chair and rock and rock and rock. I go to her and try and sit with her, to stop her in a nice way, 'mommy can rock with you, mommy can keep you safe', but she FREAKS out screams and does not want me with her. I don't know what to do. if I leave her to rock herself, it seems like reinforcing old patterns which only strengthen them, if I force myself upon her it seems I'd be causing fear and doing the opposite of what I am aiming, a feeling of comfort and safety. Do I push through the fear to get to the comfort part? After I 'force' myself to rock with her, hold her etc, she doesnt really fight me, hurting or pushing me, but kicking in the air and crying and crying. No tears, usually. If I wait long enough, remaining present and stuff, she will settle down and we can talk, and rock and sing, and bond... just not sure if I should force myself like that. 

I leave in 2 days to an attachment training in San Fran with Eric Guy ww.centerforvictory.com I am really looking forward to it, but scared too, leaving NadiYah... I know long term we need this information, but am a bit worried with this, and then the trip in 2 weeks from when I get back etc etc. However, there is a 'Brain Gym' training course, 24 hours in 3 days. I have been talking ( email) with the teacher and I am really excited. I am really really hoping to be able to go. She told me of other's she's worked with with conditions similar to my children's. There I'd learn the 26 exercises to the Brain Gym which helps the brain reorganize ( this is really paraphrasing obviously) and help people get out of 'stuck' places, getting out of reactionary states, is what the instructor told me. I NEED that myself! lol.. I figure I'd use them each morning as part of warm up for the day. I've heard wonderful things in relation to helping learning, and kids who reverse letters, memory improvement, kids stop biting nails without being told ( NEED this for N)

Anyway it would be next weekend, which I know would be bad to leave again for 3 days, but then again, I am with my children MOST of the time, and will be for 6 straight weeks on our vacation with lots of fun stuff for them. SO I think it'd be fine.. but we'll see. Praying if it's right it'll work out. I talked to a lady who runs a house with rooms to stay in near there, but I also found a cheepy hotel for 35.00 a night before tax... and its only  about 4 hours from my house, in Redding, CA. 

Im soo full lol I ate 2 full deserts for dinner with my lentil burger hehe.. I overate. I will work out in a bit when I am less full lol.

Prayer would be greatly appreciated for N's heart and my ability to remain calm and stable for her, for all of them!

Love

kellie